I have said before, I was raised in the church, but that is not to say that I was necessarily raised to understand the fullness of God’s promises. This is to no fault of my parents; in fact it’s quite the opposite. I know they did the best they knew how, and I am grateful they got me to church and Sunday school because I did, in fact, ask Jesus into my heart at the tender age of 11; I just never understood what it meant to surrender FULLY…
So how did I come to learn this finally?! It took God bringing me out of my comfort zone, to a place I knew practically no one and could not run away easily. He brought me to an unfamiliar place in the Midwest.
My husband was traveling more than usual for business and I was left all alone often to raise our 3 young children with very little support. I was brought to a place of desperation. rage. fear. loneliness. emptiness…..just to name a few….emptiness and fear were ruling my day to day thoughts actions and emotions…
After several months of resenting my circumstances and blaming any and everything around me for my unhappiness, God brought me to a place where he asked me, “What is the alternative?!” I pondered this question for some time and as I cried out to God, “Why have you not answered my prayers and delivered me from this bondage?!”
He eventually lead me to Matthew 25: 18 a very well known parable to me…but this time He gave me new eyes and a new perspective…
The Parable of the Talents
14“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servantsc and entrusted to them his property. 15To one he gave five talents,d to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. 19Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ 21His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.e You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.’ 23His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.’ 26But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
…A new fear began to wash over me…it was no longer fear of the unknown or that my worst nightmares would come true. But that I might be viewed as the “worthless servant” who would be cast into outer darkness…I had now become more fearful that I may not spend eternity with my Lord and Savior but rather in the outer darkness…and afraid that He could and would take all that I had away….
It was at this point that I literally cried out to God. “I surrender! I trust you! Show me the way!! I give you my life….I don’t want to struggle anymore…”
I began to write out my prayers:
“I’m really battling the enemy of my fears. Lord I pray you would protect me from the whispers and tricks of the devil. Lord put a hedge of protection over me and my marriage.”
It happened overnight; there was a tremendous shift in how I felt when I awoke. For the first time in a very long time I did not have nightmares. I woke up feeling excited and happy about the day in front of me. Joy, peace, love and gratitude had returned to my life! You may be reading this and feeling a little skeptical…believe me, I WAS TOO…and on occasion still am…but I can assure you it is REAL. God worked a miracle in me the night that I gave my life FULLY over to Him. His answers are woven in the results…
See, before I would pray to God, “please redeem my marriage”, “repair our brokenness” , “help my husband to see me and desire to be with me”, “change him or change my heart”…. I went to Sunday worship, participated in weekly bible/book study and was involved in other christian ministries as well….I believed I was doing my part, and seemingly it looked like I was connected to God and His plan for me….I felt I just needed to wait for God to work a miracle in my husband…it wasn’t me that needed prayer or redemption…Ha…boy He proved me wrong…
the Lord said to me, “Krissa, you lazy and worthless servant…what have you done with all the gifts and tools I have given to you!?”
I was convicted! There was no escaping His fury…I was caught red-handed! but He was there to pick up my brokenness….all that pretending…and controlling…and raging… and He is, bit by bit, putting back the pieces of me and bringing the most incredible women into my life to support me and show me the way. And He is using all of my brokenness for His Glory as he is unfolding the most beautiful story of living my life on purpose for Him..
I could now see me through His eyes…but with this transformation came new insight and I could not prevent what I was about to begin to experience…immediately I began to love myself and others as Christ did, but I also had the gift of seeing situations exactly as they were without the filter of fear.
I came to realize that all the situations that I felt angry or out of control about were simply reflections of me and who I was….
This was a gift and a curse all at the same time. Because now I could see how broken I really was.
Some people have to lose it all…to find out what they really want…Thank God, I did not have to fall that far….but I was close….
‘Cause now I know what I’m after
Now I know what I’m doin’
Now I know what I’m after
Now I know that I’m lost WITHOUT YOUR LOVE…
…What I want is you
I can’t live without your love
- lyrics from Hollyn – Cant live without